Field Trip

Today Victoria's class went to our local pumpkin patch. She was very excited and talked about riding the bus days prior to the trip. It was a fun field trip as each child got to pick a pumpkin, learn about pumpkins, go through the maze and see farm animals. I took some good photos which is always a plus for those scrapbooks. But more importantly I got to spend time with Victoria outside of home. It was fun to see her relate to her classmates and how she still is so young trying to grow up so fast. As we were pulling into the school she started to cry. This is something that has been happening at school quite frequently. We still aren't sure what sets her off, but it is usually something so small that she makes into something huge in her thoughts. So today it was that I don't do anything fun with her. I am starting to see that these episodes are pointing to something deeper within her that she doesn't know how to communicate otherwise. I was able to calm her down and explain that only she and I went on the field trip that morning and her sister or brother didn't get to come. I think what she was trying to tell me is that she needs one on one time more often. Her other meltdowns have been how she misses Gabriel. And one other day she had somehow thought that only she was left at school and the rest of us went somewhere. Now even with three kids with three different classes, teachers and schedules, we have tried so hard to give that attention and time to each one. But apparently Victoria is needing more of it. So over the next few weeks I will be looking for ways to provide that for her. Maybe she only goes to the grocery store with me, crafts that we can do when others are gone and quiet time together before bed. I think that will help, but I will also be pouring my heart with fears, hopes and dreams before God. Only He can fill that empty place in her heart that she is feeling.

I have finally found my grove again. Probably helped that I just finished up a crop at ScrapnCircle this past week. I am now hoping to be able to continue and get more pages done. I hope that whatever hobby you have, that you are able to spend a little time enjoying it this coming weekend!!!

Wives

During my quiet time tonight I came across verses that I need to refocus on. I am in a spiritual unequal marriage. Even though my husband goes to church with me and encourages the children to learn and grow, there is still that part where I feel a separation. I have struggled with having married Tony even though I knew it was wrong based on God's word. God has shown me that I have never asked for forgiveness for being disobedient. And there has been guilt and shame from this. I do know and believe that God has blessed us greatly and only good can come from this.

God has reminded me again that it is my job to continue to be an example for my husband. And there are many times when I am exhausted and just don't want to. And for me, my example needs to come from the way I talk about people and my feelings towards his family. This is where our biggest issue lies and I have to remember that I am that example whether I want to be or not.

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your live." 1 Peter 3:1-2

I believe that God put these verses and commandments in the bible is because He knew some of us would be unequally yoked. I look at this as a chance to help do my part in helping my husband accept Christ. I can't make him do anything, but my actions can help close the gap either way.

Revalation

I've been going thru a very rough few weeks, 6 to be exact. Being the Christian woman, my own advice that I give to friends is: just pray about it, it will get better. And now being on other side of that advice, I've found that it's not that easy to do just that.

There have been some major attacks on our marriage. And when it started, it came full force. Usually I have seen that things will start small and either build or will quickly go away. This time has not been the case. There has been blow and after blow. It's almost like these bombs are exploding and you can't seem to come up for air.

Until tonight, I've been trying to fix it as best as I can. If I take care of the house better, dress better, be a better wife, then my husband will respond to me and that will fill the missing link. And as I work a little more, the problem seems to get bigger.

This week has just been so draining. And today I seemed to be completely out of steam. After babysitting all day, getting kids to and from sports, coming home and feeding everyone, only to then go to the grocery store and finally at 8pm I can finally eat some dinner. As hubby was getting ready to leave and joking around, my tears couldn't be contained anymore. He has been working 6 days a week for the last 5 weeks and we've hardly seen each other. He asked what was wrong and what has been bugging me for the last 5 weeks is that he just doesn't listen to me. And I could see my words struck something deep in his heart. I wasn't mad or angry with him, I am lonely. Words were said and a promise that next week he would be back to "normal" working hours.

It was then that I realized I've been looking to my husband to fill that emptiness in my heart. That part that is sad, lonely, hurt, and betrayed. My husband can't keep all his promises. I pulled out my devotional that my MOPS steering team is doing. With the stress of the last few weeks, my quiet time got pushed to the side. I opened it and started reading. The more I read tonight the more my eyes have been opened. This month's chapters are on Jesus as he travels teaching others. So many parts spoke to me.

First, we need to come before God and have our quiet time with him. This is when God will meet those needs that only He can. In order for Him to meet us, we have to come before Him and spend time with him daily. And a huge part of that time is being still and listening. Even Jesus needed time away from the people and his disciples. Second, when the storms are raging around us, He is there. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus to make it through those storms. And if we don't, we'll be just like Peter, sinking and crying out, Save Me.

Tonight as I read and prayed and was still before God, he reminded me of my past. This current storm I'm in really isn't all that new to me. Over 8 years ago, I went through a very hard time in my life. And when things started falling down around me, I took my eyes off Jesus and I started sinking. I look back on that time that I was under water for a very long time. It was so long that the side affects still plague me to this day. But, God is also faithful and though the scars are still there, they are not as deep as before. God reminded me tonight that Satan is attacking us because he sees that God is working. And because I'm a child of the King, Satan can't take that away. But he can paralyze me and make me ineffective for God's kingdom. So while I have felt like walking away from it all, I have been reminded what happened the last time I did that.

My only true joy, hope and peace comes from resting in God. How amazing that God doesn't give us 2nd chances, but He continually keeps calling us back. While laying in bed giving praise, a song came on that I love. It's by Jaci Velasquez, "I Will Rest In You." In order to make it through the storms of life, we must always come before the Lord. I feel so honored now that God has called me to stand in the gap. The spiritual warfare that we are facing is real. But so is God and only He can meet the needs our soul desires and thirsts for.

I came upon this verse from a blog and it was just so powerful to me.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book."

There is something so powerful in that. So many times I feel that at night is when I can release my emotions because my family can't see them. But that is also the time when I feel so alone. What an awesome reminder that God sees it all, even those times at 3am when we can't sleep. How awesome is our God!!!

I'm Invisible

I'm invisible.......

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the wayone of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to betaken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweepingthe floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can seeme at all. I'm invisible.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Canyou tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm noteven a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satelliteguide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order,"Pick me up right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyesthat studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -- but nowthey had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of afriend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, andshe was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,looking around at the others all put together so well.It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at myout-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. Myunwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I couldactually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, whenJanice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I broughtyou this."It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure whyshe'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , withadmiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."In the days ahead I would read -- no, devour -- the book. And I woulddiscover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which Icould pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals-- wehave no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for awork they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expectedno credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that theeyes of God saw everything.A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit thecathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny birdon the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are youspending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almostas if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see thesacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act ofkindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it willbecome."At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a diseasethat is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my ownself-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, towork on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the bookwent so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetimebecause there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he'sbringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in themorning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for threehours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home.And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we'redoing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to theworld by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Marriage Monday

Mentoring

I love this week's topic. I consider myself blessed because I feel I have many "mentors" to look to. I grew up in a Christian home with two wonderful parents. They have modeled their best at being spouses, parents and that godly example. Now that I am married and have children, I understand so much more everything they taught my sisters and I growing up. I also had some great mentors after I moved out on my own. I lived with a Christian family for over a year. They had 4 children and took me in as one of their own. I still had some protection over me, but also was able to experience being on my own. The mom was such and example of a Christian woman and would always give advice in the most non-intrusive way. It was so neat to be in an environment that was so much like what I had grown up in. Another mentor I had was a woman who was not that much older than me. She and her husband were my college/career teachers. The time I had with them was so amazing. They were a young family with a baby, but had time to give to me and my friends were stepping out. Their advice on guys I dated came from a loving heart with my best interest in mind. Though at times I was not happy to hear their advice. I feel all these people helped shape me before I became a wife and mom. They all played a part in who I am today.

Now that I am no longer near these people, though I still do keep in contact, I have friends who have become my mentors. My very close friend and I have a special bond. I have learned so much from her and even though not pleasant at times, she gives her wisdom esp in areas where she has been before me. God has given me women to go to now. And I pray that He'll continue to provide those women no matter where I live!

Marriage Monday

Every week I am so encouraged and challenged by other women who are committed to honoring their husbands. And I know for me, lately I need to be more faithful in praying for Tony. But also, how I speak to him. As women most of us have to deal with pms. And lately, I've let it control me. I woke up yesterday just cranky and not in the mood to deal with anyone. It spilled out to my children and to my husband. It took most of the day to get rid of my yuckiness towards everyone. And I have to remember that the way I act has a last effect on my family. So this week my prayer and challenge is to control my tongue.

Winding Down

For us here in Arizona, our summer is quickly coming to a close. School starts in less than two weeks here. We've had a wonderful summer. I feel like the kids had an equal time of being busy as well as having down time. It's been nice because when they feel they need something to do, they ask if they can color. I have made it a priority to keep the markers, crayons and paper down low in my china cabinet. This way they can pull it out on their own. And as much as I don't like the mess play dough makes, they have a blast with it. So now I'm thinking with school supplies on sale, I need to stock back up for items at home.

I grew up in a very well balanced home. My dad was a math and science major and my mom was an art and music major. Sometimes I feel the kids are lacking in some areas that we haven't exposed them too. So when we go home to visit, my sisters will usually spend time with them doing small art projects.

I just hope that they will always remember the fun times they spend together and not the actually event, but the quality time.

Friendship

One of my closest friend was gone on vacation for two weeks. Even my kids kept asking when they were coming back. I called her today and she is finally home. We were on the phone for over an hour catching up.

I got an email from a girl interested in MOPS She is having a hard time in her marriage and has realized that she needs a more intimate relationship with God. She is looking for Godly, Christian women to surround herself with. Reading her email really made me think how we important friends are, esp when you don't live near family. And it's even more important to have friends who are going to encourage and lift you up before God. I think it's so special to have friends who will laugh, cry and pray with and for you.

So I encourage you to surround yourself with Godly, Christian friends!!!! And if you haven't found that friend, start praying for one.

Challenging

Pretty much the majority of our marriage I have been in charge of the finances. I've had to grow up and learn how to budget our money. It's been hard at times. I have done really good except up till the last few months. So now I'm trying to learn not to buy just because we have the money, etc. And it's getting really hard. But I am also seeing that the kids need to learn that we can't go out to eat all the time and that we don't have to have money to do fun things. So my prayer and challenge the next few weeks is to stick to our stricker schedule. And at the same time teach our children to be wise with money too.

Shocked

While catching up on some news topics I ran across this article. It is so sad that this girl cannot express her commitment to God and herself, but also that she lives in a country where she is not free to express herself. I am so thankful that we have this freedom. And I pray that this young woman will continue to keep her commitment.
Girl Looses Fight

Wonderful Trip

We just came back from 2 weeks on vacation. I was so blessed to be able to spend one week in FL. My grandma broke her shoulder and after two surgeries is finally healing much better. But she can't walk very much now so she is in a rehab center. It had been 4 years since I last saw them and felt that this was the time for me to take a trip over there. Of course I struggled with the cost of the airline ticket, but God blessed us again. My uncle used his points and took care of my plane ticket. I had aunts and cousins I had never met. So I had the most amazing time visiting everyone and spending time with my grandparents without distractions. Since I was so close to beach, only 15 min away, I was able to get out and spend like 15 min at the beach. Words cannot describe how happy I feel to have been able to go. I told Tony that we must plan a vacation to go there hopefully in a year or two.

Also on our trip we spent time with Tony's family which since I had the camera we didn't get any photos of this trip. They did take the kids fishing and swimming and just hanging out at their house. And we also took them bowling. That was an adventure in itself. The kids were use to playing on the computer so they weren't too happy that the pins didn't get knocked down every time. So hopefully the next time we go won't be as emotional. lol And on our last day we spent it with my family. Some big developments are that my sister now has a boyfriend and it's getting serious. They are courting and will be taking a pre-marriage class. He seems like a nice guy and I pray that God will lead them the right way. The kids had a great time with their aunts and even did some sparklers.

We had a great vacation, but am also glad to be home. Now to get back into the swing of things!!!

Happy Anniversary

Tony and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on Sat!!!! Because of his work schedule we are going out tomorrow!!!! It's amazing how fast the last 7 years has gone by. We've had our struggles, learning about each other, what irritates the other, but there are also so many good memories! God has truly blessed us both. And the greatest blessing came last year. I did marry someone who didn't grow up in the same kind of house I did. And so our faith's were really hard for us to come together on. I was young and naive and when we got married I had hardened my own heart due to other issues in my life at the time. But when you know the truth of God's word you can't hide from it forever. And God brought me through my dark time. But when I came out, I had a husband who wouldn't attend church with me unless I hounded him. And finally I had to let go and let God take care of the rest. We've been together for 8 years and last year I finally cut that one string I held onto. You know how you say ok God here this is, but then you still hold onto part of the issue? Well that is what I did. And then I let go and I was so scared at what would happen next. Tony did support me in taking the kids to church and would help them with their verses and explain how important it is, etc but he wouldn't come. And then one day out of the blue he said that he was coming with us that night. And since that day last summer he is always with us unless he's working. I still am amazed at how God took one little thing for so many people as going to church and turned my husband around. I still tear up in church when he puts his arm around me. I truly believe that God allowed me to go through this to grow and learn true faith. And so this year on our anniversary, I am so thankful and so proud of the man I married. That God is in control and anything is possible.

I love the Honor Your Husband 30 Day Challenge!!! What a great reminder to honor a man who was given to us from God. That we were created just for each other! So here are my goals for this week:
1. Pray daily for him.
2. When he suggests for us to watch a movie together even if I don't want to, to at least sit with him and enjoy his presence.
3. Leave a love note in his lunch for him.

Fragile

Our family has been reminded at fragile life is. My husband lost his grandma last week. We had to take a trip to NM for the services. His grandma was such a wonderful women. She always made an effort to remember our children on their birthdays and at Christmas. And it was always wonderful to see the joy in her eyes when they would run up to her and hug her.
And now my grandma is not doing well. She fell a few weeks ago and broke her shoulder. She had been in a rehab center up until last night. She was rushed to the hospital because she went into a diabetic coma. She is now stabilized and is doing a bit better. My mom is out there with her right now and she is very tired, stressed and worried. It's been almost 4 years since I last saw my grandma. Her and my grandpa live in FL and time and money haven't allowed us to visit. We last saw them while they were in El Paso staying with my family. We've been happy that they have met all their great-grandchildren and love them. So I am now in the process of trying to secure a flight to go to FL and spend some time with her. It's very important to me to be able to see her while she is still alive and remember the wonderful memories I have as a child. I think that it's sometimes sad that after the person dies, everyone comes to say goodbye. I do understand it's closure, but I want my grandma to know that I love her and cherish her and to tell her face to face.
This has all been a reminder that we need to live each to the fullest and let our immediate and extended family know how precious they are to us. And every chance we are given to be with them is so important!!!!

Portrait

Here is a self portrait I took of myself. I'm working on a book of me. I wanted to start capturing who I really am. I would like to have something for myself and my family to look back on and see who I was at that point in my life. It's been a lot of fun reflecting and doing some soul searching.

Esther

While scanning the shelves at Blockbuster this week, my eye caught the cover of this movie called One Night With The King. I picked it up and read the back. It's the story of Queen Esther. As a child this was my favorite bible story. As a little girl, the idea of being chosen to be queen is just fun to think about. But now, this story holds so much more for me. God chose Esther for a special purpose. And she was faithful and admist evil and hate, she knew her calling and stood up for her people. What a wonderful reminder that God has called us and has a special purpose and plan for our lives. And when we listen and are faithful, He will pour out His blessings. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it!!!!

Thankful

I found out last week that my sister was called to go to the Border Patrol Academy. As much as I have my views on women and law enforcement, I pray that this is where God is calling her. She has worked so hard and waited so long for this phone call. She is excited and basically this starts her step to a new chapter in her life. She is single so it makes it a bit easier for her. Tony and I were talking about this, and he said that leaving and having all that responsibility on his shoulders was a lot. But God blessed us with this wonderful job. So I pray for a safe 4 months for her and that she passes everything. Also my dad called today and said that he and my mom are coming on the 9th. We had invited them for Easter, but said they would come the day after. They are coming just to celebrate my birthday. Even though I'm not a kid anymore, I'm excited!!! This will be my parent's second trip to SV since we moved into the house.
I'm also excited because we bought bedroom furniture last week. Our very first set!!! Praise God for a great tax refund! As soon as the repairs are done from the water damage they will deliver it. And then Sat we bought a new mattress. Tony has had our current one for at least 17 years. So we were in desperate need of a new one. So that comes this Sat! Hopefully this will help with my backaches. And we decided on a paint color for our room. Now to convince Tony that we are capable of painting our own bedroom.

Guessing Games

It seems lately that I find myself trying to find into this pre-determined mold. Being Coordinator of our local MOPS group I have seen how far I've come and how much I've grown as a wife, mother and woman. I use to think of myself of this very young mom who has 3 young children. I love MOPS for everything it stands for. I've been that mom who has felt totally alone not knowing another mom to relate to. I have met so many wonderful ladies who have blessed me greatly. Plus I've found many new friends. There are so many moms in our group who are either pregnant or just had their new additions to their families. The one thing that I never thought I would feel is being the odd one out. I'm not old at all and don't think I will ever feel like that. But I am soon to be 28 and have older children. My youngest is going to be 4 soon and only has one more year before going to Kindergarten. My oldest is almost done with 1st grade and growing bigger everyday. The moms in my group are all older than and still growing their family. It seems that as each year passes I find myself outgrowing the preschool years and moving towards the next stage of life. But the thing I hate is that I have no idea what that next stage is. What do moms do who have children in school? All that I seem to meet have gone back to work. But Tony and I have decided that for as long as God calls me, I am to be home. Yes I do plan on helping in school, having lunch with friends and more time to scrapbook. But what else? Tonight I told Tony I almost wish that we had decided to start having kids two years ago. He kind of looked at my like I was crazy, but I explained that 99% of my friends are still adding to their family. They may have a 5 year old, but also an infant. After my kids are in school all day, how do I relate to these friends who have toddlers getting into everything? I don't want to become that person who is hardened to moms who have little ones around. I always thought I would never see this stage pass, you know where you don't have a diaper bag, stroller, and tons of extra clothes for accidents. I have to remember that for a reason, God planned for me to be 27 and be almost done with the preschool years. What is next I have no idea, maybe that is my calling, to help the moms move to the next stage and find purpose and fullfilment in being a SAHM even though there are no kids home most of the day. I have always know that I do make a difference in my families' lives and that is why I love MOPS because every mother does make a difference in every area of their children's lives. And as I see this area of my life and calling coming to a close I pray that moms of preschoolers know how very important their job is. How they impact the lives that God has entrusted to them. I pray that as they sit crying amid toys, screaming toddlers, and home items always needing tending, that their blessing will beyond what they imagine. So hold your babies close as they won't always want to be held and where you are today is right where God wants you to be!

Light

Yesterday I had a water restoration company here. They sucked out the last bit of water out of the carpet. Then they put enzyme treatment on all the water areas. Now I've got fans and a dehumidifier in here till Thursday morning. The guy said that water will go up the wall about 16in and that is about it. He brought all his tools in here and did like an infrared camera. You could see where the water damage is. It did go up the wall in some spots. And it also tests how wet the wall is. The closet walls were on at 40% and the half bath wall. The garage wall was at 65% so he cut the drywall out there and there are fans blowing in there. They also had to pull out some wet insulation. It smells so much better in here already. The adjuster comes Thursday morning to inspect everything and finish up my claim. But basically once the claim is finished, this company can start work on getting up back to predamage mode. They will come treat the carpet, clean it all, repair the drywall, insulation and whatever else needs to be done. I really liked this company that came today, so nice and explained everything. He did suggest that if we could hold off on bedroom furniture to do that. But if it's something that we have to have, then they'll work with moving it all when they need to clean the carpet. I am just so thankful that this can all be fixed and we didn't loose anything that can't be replaced.

This morning I had bible study. It was really good and even though I didn't feel like going, I'm glad I did. It's amazing how God reveals just the item that you need to hear and when. This week is going to focus on being set apart from the world and how that can be very hard esp. in today's society. I have been convicted lately on either music or tv shows that I watch. My mom always use to give advice or teachings whether we wanted to hear it or not. Being a mom now, I so understand why she did this. But she would always advise us to watch what we say or what we're doing because if Jesus comes back, would be be ashamed in that moment. I still struggle with this as an adult. It's hard to do the right thing sometimes. I am excited to see where this bible study will take me this week!

Cleaning Up

We were in NM this past week for spring break. We had a pretty good trip. Just long enough. We got home late afternoon yesterday. We thought all was well till we opened the garage. Our water softner was leaking. At first we thought the damage was just a few boxes most of which was garbage anyway. But then we went into our room to find our carpet soaked. Our closet backs up to the garage and the water leaked in there and 1/3 of the carpet is just completely wet. Thankfull everything can be fixed and replaced, which we think will just be ther padding and carpet. It does appear to have leaked into our half bath and gotten the cabinet where the sink is, so hoping worst case is replacing that. We have a claim into our insurance company and just waiting for Monday and a phone call to come inspect the damage.