I've been going thru a very rough few weeks, 6 to be exact. Being the Christian woman, my own advice that I give to friends is: just pray about it, it will get better. And now being on other side of that advice, I've found that it's not that easy to do just that.
There have been some major attacks on our marriage. And when it started, it came full force. Usually I have seen that things will start small and either build or will quickly go away. This time has not been the case. There has been blow and after blow. It's almost like these bombs are exploding and you can't seem to come up for air.
Until tonight, I've been trying to fix it as best as I can. If I take care of the house better, dress better, be a better wife, then my husband will respond to me and that will fill the missing link. And as I work a little more, the problem seems to get bigger.
This week has just been so draining. And today I seemed to be completely out of steam. After babysitting all day, getting kids to and from sports, coming home and feeding everyone, only to then go to the grocery store and finally at 8pm I can finally eat some dinner. As hubby was getting ready to leave and joking around, my tears couldn't be contained anymore. He has been working 6 days a week for the last 5 weeks and we've hardly seen each other. He asked what was wrong and what has been bugging me for the last 5 weeks is that he just doesn't listen to me. And I could see my words struck something deep in his heart. I wasn't mad or angry with him, I am lonely. Words were said and a promise that next week he would be back to "normal" working hours.
It was then that I realized I've been looking to my husband to fill that emptiness in my heart. That part that is sad, lonely, hurt, and betrayed. My husband can't keep all his promises. I pulled out my devotional that my MOPS steering team is doing. With the stress of the last few weeks, my quiet time got pushed to the side. I opened it and started reading. The more I read tonight the more my eyes have been opened. This month's chapters are on Jesus as he travels teaching others. So many parts spoke to me.
First, we need to come before God and have our quiet time with him. This is when God will meet those needs that only He can. In order for Him to meet us, we have to come before Him and spend time with him daily. And a huge part of that time is being still and listening. Even Jesus needed time away from the people and his disciples. Second, when the storms are raging around us, He is there. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus to make it through those storms. And if we don't, we'll be just like Peter, sinking and crying out, Save Me.
Tonight as I read and prayed and was still before God, he reminded me of my past. This current storm I'm in really isn't all that new to me. Over 8 years ago, I went through a very hard time in my life. And when things started falling down around me, I took my eyes off Jesus and I started sinking. I look back on that time that I was under water for a very long time. It was so long that the side affects still plague me to this day. But, God is also faithful and though the scars are still there, they are not as deep as before. God reminded me tonight that Satan is attacking us because he sees that God is working. And because I'm a child of the King, Satan can't take that away. But he can paralyze me and make me ineffective for God's kingdom. So while I have felt like walking away from it all, I have been reminded what happened the last time I did that.
My only true joy, hope and peace comes from resting in God. How amazing that God doesn't give us 2nd chances, but He continually keeps calling us back. While laying in bed giving praise, a song came on that I love. It's by Jaci Velasquez, "I Will Rest In You." In order to make it through the storms of life, we must always come before the Lord. I feel so honored now that God has called me to stand in the gap. The spiritual warfare that we are facing is real. But so is God and only He can meet the needs our soul desires and thirsts for.
I came upon this verse from a blog and it was just so powerful to me.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book."
There is something so powerful in that. So many times I feel that at night is when I can release my emotions because my family can't see them. But that is also the time when I feel so alone. What an awesome reminder that God sees it all, even those times at 3am when we can't sleep. How awesome is our God!!!