I've been going thru a very rough few weeks, 6 to be exact. Being the Christian woman, my own advice that I give to friends is: just pray about it, it will get better. And now being on other side of that advice, I've found that it's not that easy to do just that.
There have been some major attacks on our marriage. And when it started, it came full force. Usually I have seen that things will start small and either build or will quickly go away. This time has not been the case. There has been blow and after blow. It's almost like these bombs are exploding and you can't seem to come up for air.
Until tonight, I've been trying to fix it as best as I can. If I take care of the house better, dress better, be a better wife, then my husband will respond to me and that will fill the missing link. And as I work a little more, the problem seems to get bigger.
This week has just been so draining. And today I seemed to be completely out of steam. After babysitting all day, getting kids to and from sports, coming home and feeding everyone, only to then go to the grocery store and finally at 8pm I can finally eat some dinner. As hubby was getting ready to leave and joking around, my tears couldn't be contained anymore. He has been working 6 days a week for the last 5 weeks and we've hardly seen each other. He asked what was wrong and what has been bugging me for the last 5 weeks is that he just doesn't listen to me. And I could see my words struck something deep in his heart. I wasn't mad or angry with him, I am lonely. Words were said and a promise that next week he would be back to "normal" working hours.
It was then that I realized I've been looking to my husband to fill that emptiness in my heart. That part that is sad, lonely, hurt, and betrayed. My husband can't keep all his promises. I pulled out my devotional that my MOPS steering team is doing. With the stress of the last few weeks, my quiet time got pushed to the side. I opened it and started reading. The more I read tonight the more my eyes have been opened. This month's chapters are on Jesus as he travels teaching others. So many parts spoke to me.
First, we need to come before God and have our quiet time with him. This is when God will meet those needs that only He can. In order for Him to meet us, we have to come before Him and spend time with him daily. And a huge part of that time is being still and listening. Even Jesus needed time away from the people and his disciples. Second, when the storms are raging around us, He is there. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus to make it through those storms. And if we don't, we'll be just like Peter, sinking and crying out, Save Me.
Tonight as I read and prayed and was still before God, he reminded me of my past. This current storm I'm in really isn't all that new to me. Over 8 years ago, I went through a very hard time in my life. And when things started falling down around me, I took my eyes off Jesus and I started sinking. I look back on that time that I was under water for a very long time. It was so long that the side affects still plague me to this day. But, God is also faithful and though the scars are still there, they are not as deep as before. God reminded me tonight that Satan is attacking us because he sees that God is working. And because I'm a child of the King, Satan can't take that away. But he can paralyze me and make me ineffective for God's kingdom. So while I have felt like walking away from it all, I have been reminded what happened the last time I did that.
My only true joy, hope and peace comes from resting in God. How amazing that God doesn't give us 2nd chances, but He continually keeps calling us back. While laying in bed giving praise, a song came on that I love. It's by Jaci Velasquez, "I Will Rest In You." In order to make it through the storms of life, we must always come before the Lord. I feel so honored now that God has called me to stand in the gap. The spiritual warfare that we are facing is real. But so is God and only He can meet the needs our soul desires and thirsts for.
I came upon this verse from a blog and it was just so powerful to me.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book."
There is something so powerful in that. So many times I feel that at night is when I can release my emotions because my family can't see them. But that is also the time when I feel so alone. What an awesome reminder that God sees it all, even those times at 3am when we can't sleep. How awesome is our God!!!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
I'm Invisible
I'm invisible.......
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the wayone of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to betaken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweepingthe floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can seeme at all. I'm invisible.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Canyou tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm noteven a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satelliteguide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order,"Pick me up right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyesthat studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -- but nowthey had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of afriend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, andshe was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,looking around at the others all put together so well.It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at myout-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. Myunwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I couldactually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, whenJanice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I broughtyou this."It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure whyshe'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , withadmiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."In the days ahead I would read -- no, devour -- the book. And I woulddiscover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which Icould pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals-- wehave no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for awork they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expectedno credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that theeyes of God saw everything.A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit thecathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny birdon the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are youspending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almostas if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see thesacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act ofkindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it willbecome."At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a diseasethat is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my ownself-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, towork on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the bookwent so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetimebecause there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he'sbringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in themorning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for threehours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home.And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we'redoing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to theworld by the sacrifices of invisible women.
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the wayone of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to betaken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweepingthe floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can seeme at all. I'm invisible.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Canyou tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm noteven a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satelliteguide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order,"Pick me up right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyesthat studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -- but nowthey had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of afriend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, andshe was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,looking around at the others all put together so well.It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at myout-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. Myunwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I couldactually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, whenJanice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I broughtyou this."It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure whyshe'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , withadmiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."In the days ahead I would read -- no, devour -- the book. And I woulddiscover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which Icould pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals-- wehave no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for awork they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expectedno credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that theeyes of God saw everything.A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit thecathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny birdon the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are youspending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almostas if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see thesacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act ofkindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it willbecome."At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a diseasethat is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my ownself-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, towork on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the bookwent so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetimebecause there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he'sbringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in themorning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for threehours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want himto want to come home.And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we'redoing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to theworld by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Marriage Monday
Mentoring
I love this week's topic. I consider myself blessed because I feel I have many "mentors" to look to. I grew up in a Christian home with two wonderful parents. They have modeled their best at being spouses, parents and that godly example. Now that I am married and have children, I understand so much more everything they taught my sisters and I growing up. I also had some great mentors after I moved out on my own. I lived with a Christian family for over a year. They had 4 children and took me in as one of their own. I still had some protection over me, but also was able to experience being on my own. The mom was such and example of a Christian woman and would always give advice in the most non-intrusive way. It was so neat to be in an environment that was so much like what I had grown up in. Another mentor I had was a woman who was not that much older than me. She and her husband were my college/career teachers. The time I had with them was so amazing. They were a young family with a baby, but had time to give to me and my friends were stepping out. Their advice on guys I dated came from a loving heart with my best interest in mind. Though at times I was not happy to hear their advice. I feel all these people helped shape me before I became a wife and mom. They all played a part in who I am today.
Now that I am no longer near these people, though I still do keep in contact, I have friends who have become my mentors. My very close friend and I have a special bond. I have learned so much from her and even though not pleasant at times, she gives her wisdom esp in areas where she has been before me. God has given me women to go to now. And I pray that He'll continue to provide those women no matter where I live!
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